FRQNC


Tuesday, July 31, 2007 Heh. Heh, heh... Ha. Hahaha... HahahHahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yesterday FBI and IRS agents raided the home of Senator Ted "Dump Truck" Stevens. You know, I think they're interested in your connectivity to a different "Series of Tubes" there mate... Specifically, the Trans-Alaskan Pipeline System. Hey, nice house! j.s.



Monday, July 30, 2007 FLYING CAR. Okay, so the video looks like it was shot during the Gerald Ford-era. And I'm not so sure about that crane thing attached to it. Not to mention all the legal issues involved... ("Rules of the road?" Is it legal to fly over someone's private property? What about power lines at night?) Nevertheless, it's still cool... And dammit, it isn't officially "the future" until we have a flying car. j.s.



Thursday, July 26, 2007 And apparently even "The Pope-ah!" agrees with me here. j.s.



I absolutely cannot believe this has happened in my state... Well I can actually, but it doesn't stop it from making me want to pass out pamphlets outside the Creationist Museum, before kids go inside to have their little heads filled with things like: The "Flintstones Saddle" and JESUSAUR! I love the "Coloring Hints!" too. "Rapturous Red," "Perfect White," [laughs] "Behemoth Blue" (Red, white and blue huh?), and my favorite, "Flesh of Christ" Although they seem to have left out quite a few of the Creationist Crayola canon. What about "Border Jumper Brown," "God Hates Fuschia," and "The Charred Black of Darwin's Infinitely Rent and Tortured Soul?" Wait. I'm derailing... Texas. Right. Okay, let's set the Wayback Machine for October 30, 2003, where the following letter was sent out by a member of the Texas Board of Education. The Glencoe Motion My Personal Confession Given all the time in the world, I don't think I could make a spider out of a rock. However, most of the books we are considering adopting, claim that Nothing made a spider out of a rock. I don't think I share a common ancestor with a tree. However, most of the books we are considering adopting, claim as a fact that we all share a common ancestor with a tree. Has science made its case that Nothing made a spider out of a rock and that we share a common ancestor with a tree? I say NO, there are too many difficulties with their case, therefore, I am making these motions. Evolution science is predominantly historical science; it is not observable or testable empirically, it must be inferred. For example, even the empirical research on embryology and the sequences of proteins and DNA only give rise to historical speculations. Thus, the argument for evolution is not deductive, but inductive; in an inductive argument, scientists weigh evidence to see what is most probable to have occurred. On this basis, most scientists hypothesize that Nothing made a spider out of a rock and that we share a common ancestor with a tree. However, other scientists find serious flaws with those hypotheses. In most of the books we are considering adopting, our students are not being presented both sides; the minority viewpoint is being withheld. This means that these books do not conform to our standards. In fact, most of the books assert the majority view as a fait accompli. While all the books contain some "qualifiers", Glencoe's Biology, the Dynamics of Life comes the closest to meeting Texas' high standards and is the most "qualified" book up for adoption. The Motions Therefore, I plan to make the following motions at our November board meeting. First, I will move that we separate out the regular biology books from the commissioner's recommendation. Second, I will move that we adopt Glencoe's Biology, the Dynamics of Life as conforming* and adopt the rest of the regular biology books as non-conforming*. This action would approve all the books up for adoption, plus reward the book that most closely follows our standards. It does not negatively single out any book but fulfills our responsibility of standards conformity. -Don McLeroy- Now despite the fact that the letter reads like it was penned by a 6th grader in an ESL class, and despite the fact that if Donnie there had actually read "Origin of the Species" he'd understand that no one thinks spiders evolved from shale, it's still an utterly ridiculous, contemptuous pile of brontosaurus shit. And one that, when combined with the following footnotes (sold separately in a different memo): [Conformist = Provided free to schools.] [*Nonconformist = Must be partially paid for, and require that every parent must be informed by letter that such books are being used. "The only reason for this paperwork policy is to make it extra tiresome and difficult for school districts to adopt books that the SBOE decides do not meet its standards (such as scientifically-accurate biology textbooks)."] ends up forcing the hand of school districts to teach a religious agenda. Thus Cobra Kai "sweeping the leg" of science, while triceratops-saddling those whores willing to put creationism in a textbook with a lovely government contract. In short, they'll allow* you to purchase those heretical books that teach the Theory That Dare Not Speak Its Name, but they're going to attach neon signs that blink "FREE!" to those that are made by their good Christian buddies over at Glencoe Publishing. Richard Dawkins is unamused by your shenanigans... So, why am I mentioning all this 4 years after the fact? Because our gerrymandering governor Rick Perry has just promoted Don "Rock Spiders" McLeroy to CHAIRMAN of the Texas Board of Education. I think we've just answered why it is that Texas has the highest drop-out rate in the country... j.s.



Monday, July 23, 2007 CHUPACABRA IDITAROD SLED BUILDING: [PVC. The miracle polymer.] [A series of tubes.] ["I hear Chupacabras."] ["Okay, so we stuff birds in here, right?"] [A man, and a dream...] [Danny and the Tubes.] [My dark secret revealed...I have very long arms.] [Bryan getting to work.] [Jer building.] [Overwhelmed by the Chupacabra spirit, Jer attacks an unwitting Danny.] [This is how we get down.] j.s.



Thursday, July 19, 2007 MySpace could very well be one of the weirdest conglomerations of people on the net today...topped only by the Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy gay fanfic forums of course. The following was in my Inbox yesterday: "Hi Jeremiah. My name is [withheld] and I am in Houston for tonight and tomorrow night only and then I fly back home. I am interested in hooking up just for tonight, no strings. Just want to have some fun while I'm in town ;) And you are a hottie... This is not a joke, I'm serious about this... I want to have some naughty fun while I'm here.... let me know if you are interested in that. " Now, as alluring as "naughty fun" might sound (to a 14-year-old), it occured to me that perhaps I'm giving off the wrong vibe in my profile. So I ran the whole scenario by my XX chromosomal litmus test (Jenny), nd she informed me that this approach would typically work with 5 out of 5 guys on MySpace. Which isn't altogether surprising I guess. But it does make you wonder... How does something like that go down? I mean, is there dinner involved? Drinks? A "get to know you" session at all? Or would you just show up at her hotel room and introduce yourself with a handshake as you're unrolling the condom? Would getting to know the person at all be a damper on the experience? I mean, what if she were an uneducated, racist, Neo-Con? (And don't even try to tell me that they wouldn't be interested in such salacious trysts. Randall Tobias? David Vitter? Mark Foley?) Good God...what if she were Ann Coulter? I'd probably have to punch a Muslim, order a bombstrike, and violate at least 4 or 5 Constitutionally-guaranteed rights in order for her to orgasm... Anyway, it just caught me off guard to be propositioned in such a manner on a random weekday morning. If, going forward, we could keep any and all requests for sexual favors by complete strangers confined to the post-noon hours I'd appreciate it. Now, with that out of the way, I'd like to introduce a new addition to FRQNC. One where I'll discuss the trials and travails of puppy ownership. And we shall call it... I'll be sectioning all Jibblies off with the above pic, so those of you without dogs, or without an interest in dogs, can easily skip it. And may God have mercy on your soul. So, it seems that, of the millions of dogs in the Greater Houston area, I have adopted Harry Houdini reincarnate. Yes, he escapes. We weren't sure exactly how he was pulling this off, until we stood in the front yard and called his name while he was locked in the back. At which point he put his paws through the chain link, and used the cinder blocks on the other side to slowly climb to the corner of the fence. Then, he simply hopped over the corner of the fence and trotted proudly to my side. "Yes, you are very clever." "Roo!" "I can see this is going to require some work..." So I set about thwarting his wayward ways by building an addition to the fence, stacking bricks on the outside and placing a couple 2x4s in the opening along the corner. And this worked for roughly a week or so. That is, until yesterday at about 4:30, when I get this voicemail... "Hi. This is [neighbor]. I was walking my dog and saw Jib had gotten out and was over by Reagan High School. So I brought him back home and locked him in the backyard. I don't know how he could've gotten out though, since it looked like everything was locked up..." I immediately drop what I'm working on and speed home. And he's still locked safely in the backyard, but I notice that the 2x4s are laying on the ground, and next to where they had stood was a small hole. He dug a trench, to make the boards fall over, so he could climb out. A dog capable of problem solving via spatial calculations... This is not good. All I have to do is piss him off and there'll be punji sticks hidden in a hole under my carpet... j.s.



Tuesday, July 17, 2007 deep breath You know, every month after I've finished grinding through End-of-Monthiness, and then irritated myself for days about getting my articles done, it takes me roughly a week to get back into my default, just-north-of-a-coma modèle de la vie. I start to settle a bit, but then I get this awful feeling like I'm slacking, or there's something I'm supposed to be doing, and by being ever the absent-minded flake, I'm about to let someone down. For some people this feeling occurs in their stomach, their back, or they get a headache... For me, it manifests as a dull tightness in the center of my lower jaw, along my neck, just below my tongue. Uncomfortable to say the least. Anyway, enough complaining. Let's talk Flugtag. The sled construction begins in Austin this Saturday at Bryan's place. Video and pics are forthcoming. And for those of you with a MySpace account, feel free to drop by The Chupacabra Iditarod MySpace page and befriend us. j.s.



Thursday, July 12, 2007 Hi there. So I've only finished one of my three articles for August, thereby setting new apogees in the world of the easily distracted. I set out to write them, but somewhere between Firefox and Microsoft Word something shiny happens to catch my eye (Tom Ford's menswear collection for example), and I find myself wandering off in a digi-daze. Maybe I should eat something. And the more I sit here and think about it, the worse I feel... sigh Okay, I'm going to go work on them now. Thinking about how relieved I'll be when they're done has motivated me once again. Talk more later. j.s.



Tuesday, July 10, 2007 Which way is the girl spinning, clockwise or counter-clockwise? See the comments for the answer. j.s.



Monday, July 09, 2007 Ahoy. End-of-Monthiness is finished, only to be replaced with my August deadline...hence this will have to be brief. It feels odd to be preparing for August already, it being my birth-month and all, but we're almost halfway through July, so I guess it makes sense. (For those interested, we will once again be hosting a b-day event at my place this year...) So the weekend! Friday started with a few drinks at Cecil's, after which we went to try out "Jonny's Sports Bar," formerly called "Touch," formerly called "Joia." And put succinctly: skip it. Not only is it crawling with Beer Pong-playing fratboys, it's cramped, the decor/layout is uninspired (which is surprising, since I thought the design of "Touch" was interesting), and the vibe there is "fight waiting to happen." But the deal-breaker? They don't serve Lone Star. What kind of "sports bar" doesn't serve the National Beer of Texas? I mean c'mon... Anyway, I predict the place will make it through the summer before their target demographic collectively follow the asshole in front of them to whichever watering hole becomes trendy for fall. So we take off from there and head over to The Dirt where we finish out the night. The crowd was surprisingly sparse in there, but it's still one of my favorite bars in Houston, so all was well. Saturday was our first "Flugtag Caucus Day" at Danny's place, where schematics were drawn, hypotheses conjectured, and theories discussed. The craft is beginning to come together. Next up is doing the actual shopping for materials. Had a few drinks at Poison Girl on Sat. night (after a stint at home to take care of the dog), and then caught up with Luis at a house party in the Heights. As for Sunday, the majority of it was spent right here: That dog slept the entire day away next to me on the couch while I finished The Amber Spyglass, the last installment of Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy. And while I read, Jib dreamed. His legs flexed in a rhythmic cadence, as if galloping across a field, and every so often he'd give a small 'woof' and wag his tail at whatever it is that puppies dream of. (Given his proclivity for hopping around the backyard after toads, eventually squishing them accidentally with his enormous paws, I'm guessing it was amphibian in nature.) Had a glass of wine or three with Rachel Sunday evening at Onion Creek, and then called it a finished weekend. And now, I've got to back to work. Talk to you soon. j.s. "This is my monkey. There are many like it, but this one is mine..."



Friday, July 06, 2007 Sorry for the radio silence...it's End-of-Monthiness. Back soon. j.s.



Tuesday, July 03, 2007 So I've spent the morning listening to Lush's "Lovelife" which, in my less-than-humble opinion, is right up there with the best things to happen to music in the early 90's. It's strange how some songs are historical thoroughfares, instantly transporting you to a different time and place with just a few simple notes. For example, "500" rockets me back to Lollapalooza at the Ft. Bend Raceway, the summer before my senior year of high school...when I was utterly smitten with Miki Berenyi. sigh Okay, so that might still do it for me a little... =] Yes. I was at the first 3 Lollapaloozas. I am an old man. But then again... cue LCD Soundsystem's "Losing My Edge" I was there for Nirvana at The Vatican in '91. And when Urge Overkill opened for Mudhoney that same year. I was there for Jane's Addiction, Siouxsie & the Banshees, The Violent Femmes and Nine Inch Nails at the first Lollapalooza. (Actually I missed NIN. I was off smashing a television with a sledgehammer during their set.) I saw Red Hot Chili Peppers, Ministry, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, and The Jesus & Mary Chain share a Lolla-stage in 1992. And in '93 there was Rage Against the Machine, Tool, Fishbone, Primus and Alice in Chains. I saw Lenny Kravitz open for The Cult. Saw the Jim Rose Sideshow Circus, Butthole Surfers, and the Smashing Pumpkins "Siamese Dream Tour" at Rockefeller's. (The first 5 songs of that tour anyway. Billy Corgan got hit in the head with a Birkenstock, waxed histrionic, and walked off the stage.) I was at the Tool show at International Ballroom in '96. (Failure and Flaming Lips were the openers there.) I saw Quicksand open for Rage Against the Machine at the Tower Theatre. Thrill Kill Kult, KMFDM, Lords of Acid, Faith No More, They Might Be Giants, and Blind Melon (their last show, Shannon Hoon O.D'd the very next day), all at Numbers... Saw Helmet at Liberty Lunch in Austin, and watched the Dead Milkmen from backstage there... Hooverphonic opening for BT at DV8 in Salt Lake City. I could go on like this for a very long time. And this doesn't include all the bands I've had a chance to see at SXSW the past couple years. Come to think of it, there are only a few bands that I regret having missed. Underworld is one, although I think seeing them without Darren Emerson wouldn't be the same. Stone Roses is another. Soul Coughing yet another. But absolutely, unquestionably, unequivocally? Portishead. I would kick each and every one of you in the shins for a chance to see Portishead live. Although I hear they're back in the studio, so that might become a possibility. Shinguards at the ready. j.s.



Monday, July 02, 2007 This is awesome. Behold my unbridled geekdom. And you must all roll a save vs. death magic to resist it. j.s.