FRQNC


Monday, April 30, 2007 Okay, I'm sure most of you have seen these by now... But what I want to know is, why do I laugh uncontrollably every time I see them? j.s.



Well hello there. Don't you look dashing today... Me too? Aww, thanks... Actually I'm still in recovery-mode from the combination of the NFL Draft, Red Sox vs. Yankees, and Neighbor Jane's birthday party on Saturday. I don't have much in the way of recollection of what happened post-3pm, but I do have a blurry recollection of the following drunken scenes: Dubbing the newest Astros player (Hunter Pence), "Stork," and finding this to be the funniest thing I'd ever come up with. "When Stork came up from the minors, everyone thought he was brain damaged..." Pointing a finger in the face of a Yankees fan, and demanding he admit "the reign is over." Opening a musical greeting card, and promptly beginning to dance around the patio with it. Trying to squeeze whiskey from a pinata, explaining that "it just needs to be juiced a little." Running into a guy I'd met once before, who whooped with excitement when he saw me again. Apparently he has dubbed me "The Mayflower Guy," and told tales of my antics to many of his friends. (No, I'm not sure why he calls me that, or what it is that I told him, but he called three people to let them know "I've found 'The Mayflower Guy' again.") Being utterly transfixed by the Ninja Warrior Marathon at 3am, despite having to close one eye to see the television properly. And Sunday, of course, was the usual "lay on the couch with a pounding headache and wonder why the hell I do this to myself" day. I'd like to send a quick "thank you" to Pixar for helping me get through yet another hangover, and an angry scowl to Touchstone Pictures, who damn near killed me with their godawful "Annapolis" movie. I actually felt worse after watching that piece of shit. I can't imagine what it might have done to me had I been completely sober. K, I'm off... j.s.



Friday, April 27, 2007 America's Cup Round Robin 1: Day Seven That's right suckas. We've come to sail. Undefeated in 9 matches, and with two to go, the U.S. is threatening to sweep the entire first Round Robin series. /flex We'll have our work cut out for us today though. We're sailing against Spain in the first flight, and then the goddamned Kiwis in the final match, both of whom are quite good. Well, we'll sail if the wind decides to cooperate with us that is... You know, after a tiny amount of research I've found that Valencia is actually a summer sailing spot, and it typically doesn't have much in the way of wind during the spring. Right. So whoever is responsible for deciding to hold this thing here during their fucking OFF SEASON should be lined up and shot. grumble grumble I also had someone ask me the other day how it can be that Americans are so dominant at sailing, considering it doesn't have much of a following (and thus, not much in the way of $$$), here in the States. And while I'm not exactly qualified to answer that question, I'd be happy to take a shot at it. Yes, it does take a lot of money to ensure an America's Cup boat is up to snuff, but we've actually had an excellent amount of financial backing from Oracle and BMW. These funds have provided us with the best researchers, materials and sailors in the world, and our boat has so far proven to be worth those millions of dollars and man-hours spent. However! The other reason we've (historically) been so good at this, is that a boat's design will only take you so far. It takes an arrogant, scrappy and generally entitled attitude to win a sailboat race against a similar boat, and your average American sailor tends to have those traits in spades. cough Stop looking at me like that... Yes, amazing things happen when you throw $50 million at cockiness, and stand back. =] j.s.



Thursday, April 26, 2007 Wow... I have no idea where this week went. I woke up this morning utterly convinced that today was Tuesday, and it took 10 minutes of persuasion to make me begrudgingly agree that it is, indeed, Thursday. Job interviews man...they screw you all up. Oh, right. In case you hadn't heard by now, I interviewed for a job in Austin on Monday. And no, unfortunately I can't tell you who the interview was with. Sorry. In this particular case, I'm taking their Non-Disclosure Agreement rather seriously. The other thing I'm taking seriously is the slap to the income bracket that I'd suffer if I accepted the job... They're offering less than half of what I'm making right now, and I'm not making all that much. Again, I can't be specific, but think "below the poverty line," and you'll be on track. However! It's with an awesome company, there's room for advancement, and it's in an industry that I care about... So perhaps I'll just have to pay my dues as the frowny, squinty-eyed guy being squished at the low end of the corporate totem pole, before I can become the indifferent, majestic, six-figure eagle guy at the top. Bah! They haven't even called me back to offer me the position yet, so I'm kinda putting the beer trailer before the Clydesdales. Guess we'll see... j.s.



Tuesday, April 24, 2007 Erm...Blogger has forced me into using their new client, so I'm testing this out before a real post. Here goes... j.s. [[edit: Hey, it worked!]]



Friday, April 20, 2007 Oh, and here's the promo spot for the U.S. boat (once you get past the BMW pimpage anyway): j.s.



America's Cup Round Robins: ~~Day Five~~ Day One Yes, the weather has been so screwed up over the past four days that the race judges called for a "do over!" and restarted all the matches. (Rather than using up all the scheduled make-up days) And the U.S. comes out of the gate strong in the first two races with a solid win over Germany, and an utter owning of China. (By an entire fucking kilometer.) Add to this the Mescalzone Latino Italian team upset over New Zealand this morning, and suddenly the U.S. is tied with Luna Rossa for first place. flex It's also been brought to my attention recently that many of you couldn't care less about this stuff. But it's important to me. And it only happens once every four years. So back off. Now, in the interest of knowing your enemy, I present the following video of the Cup Defenders: Yes, I am aware of how awful that Jay-Z song is. But when I mute it, and listen to Helmet instead while it's playing, it makes me want to climb walls, drink enough ale to kill you all, and throw Swiss people through plate glass windows. j.s.



Thursday, April 19, 2007 My neighbor Dottie (the "Cat Lady" to most of you), died at 4am this morning from complications from a recent stroke. In case you don't recall, she was the elderly lady at my last birthday party. But what I might not have told you, was that during the party, when no one was around, she quietly gave me a birthday card with $12 in cash, explaining that "it isn't much, but maybe you'll be able to go to a movie or something?" And it utterly broke my heart. She was a kind and awesomely eccentric lady, and I'll miss being able to smile and wave to her every morning as I drive to work. j.s.



Wednesday, April 18, 2007 Day 3: America's Cup Round Robin And here's the white-hot action from today's races: Looks pretty calm doesn't it? Like a relaxing pleasure cruise along placid Mediterranean seas... All that's missing are silver serving trays brimming with hors d’œuvres, and daintily balanced glasses of chenin blanc. Of course, it's also NOTHING AT ALL like what you'd expect from boats that are capable of traveling at around 20 knots.* So! Why aren't these guys rocketing along the water and pushing the limits of these carbon fiber works of art? Why, I'm glad you asked! And the answer can be found in just two words: No, there hasn't been a breath of wind in THREE DAYS of the "competition." And as such, not a single race has been run yet. Lovely choice of venue, this Valencia... Hmmph. j.s. * 20 knots = 23 mph. [1 knot = 1.15mph] You're welcome.



I just noticed something about that Alyssa Milano picture. It looks like she has a "B A" tattooed on her back. Which, in my world, means that she was very into the A-Team when she was younger... j.s.



Tuesday, April 17, 2007 So I know you've heard nothing but "Campus Massacre!" "Death in the Classroom!" "Killing Spree 101" and "Mid-Term Murder!" on the idiot box lately. (MSM lives for this kind of thing.) And since the actual story is only starting to take shape now (wait until the Good Ol' Boy Network finds out this kid was Korean), people have been focused on the one powderkeg topic certain to incense everyone within earshot... Gun control. For example, this morning on a radio call-in show there seemed to be an overwhelming majority of drawling NRA members explaining how upset they were that no one had a gun to combat this shooter. And if we just made it so people could get a heat packin' license when they renew their driver's license, incidents like this would stop. Perhaps this is just the liberal yankee in me talking, but a kneejerk reaction promoting students carrying weapons doesn't seem like an environment conducive to higher education to me. Sitting in a Micro-econ class, lounging on the quad, or grabbing lunch in the caf, and having every student around you strapped with a 9mm? I don't feel off-base when I say that isn't what the founding fathers had in mind... Now, would stricter gun laws have stopped this from happening? That's hard to say, but I'll concede that it probably wouldn't have. "Cuz this furriner prolly got them guns illegally anyways!" You're probably right Jethro. But if we revisit your Econ class (remember, that one that wasn't highly armed?) you'll recall that when a supply of something is diminished, the price invariably goes up. Would this kid have been able to afford a handgun (or two?) if the cost was $1,000 rather than $200? Interesting question isn't it? So, therefore would such laws have at least made it more difficult for this nutbag to get a hold of 2 pistols? Yes, I think so. See, these are the questions we should be asking rather than simply parroting NRA pamphlet soundbytes like "if we outlaw them, only outlaws will have them!" And if that bothered you, I'm really going to piss you off with this next one. All handguns should be made illegal for private citizens to own anyway. And the reason is, a pistol is designed for one purpose, and one purpose alone. And that's to kill people. And I'm sorry, but I just can't see a need for a citizenry to have such a portable and easily concealable way to kill other citizens. "Wait a gol'durn minute there yankeeboy! The Constitution gives me tha right to bear mah arms. Who in the hell dooya think you are?" Please notice that I just said handguns. If you feel the need to own an explosive projectile weapon to protect your home from intruders/terrorists/Redcoats, you should always be able to purchase a shotgun/rifle. Those weapons should indeed be Constitutionally protected, and would adequately serve to protect your home, allow game hunting, and retain the important check and balance that an armed populace creates against governmental monarchistic leanings. (Not that it seems to have helped in this particular administration, but that's another argument.) "Well it don't say 'rifles!' It says 'arms!'" You are quite correct Mr. Constitutional Purist. And you are now free to go out and purchase a gunpowder musket then... Because if we're going to get into the initial intent of the Amendment, that's what they meant. Deliniations on that law have long been in place, but I feel that, to date, they've simply aimed a bit low of the mark. (zang!) After all, does the right to bear arms mean that all Americans have the right to drive these? Or keep these for strafe runs on the weekends? Or, to use an example that the Grand Ol' Fearmongers seem to cite so often, should we all have the right to create nuclear suitcase bombs? No, of course not. You would never trust me with an F-22 Raptor, just as I would never trust you with an Abrams tank. General public safety simply doesn't allow for such things. And after this Virginia Tech incident, not to mention the millions of other innocents who've been killed by pistols wielding idiots (no that wasn't a typo), I can only hope that the sentiment that we're too irresponsible to own handguns gains merit too. j.s.



Monday, April 16, 2007 And suddenly...I'm not in a bad mood anymore. Thanks Alyssa. j.s.



Have you ever been so angry that you lost the reason why you were mad in the first place? And as a result just blindly railed against everything you came in contact with, because it probably sucks just as bad as whatever is was that originally pissed you off? Been so furious that anyone who happened to be in your way instantly became a personal affront to your entire existence? And that nagging voice in the back of your head reminding you that this person really had nothing to do with how you feel? Yeah, that only pisses you off more... Ever been so filled with rage that the only thing you're capable of doing is glaring out the window for hours on end, spite clenching every muscle in your chest and jaw? tense pause You really do not want to be me today. j.s.



Thursday, April 12, 2007 THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD WAS MUSIC. So long Kurt. You know, one of my favorite quotes from him was actually given in an interview: [my wife says] why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? So I pretend not to hear her, and go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by and I give them the thumbs up. And, and ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don't know. The moral of the story is, is we're here on Earth to fart around. sigh j.s.



Wednesday, April 11, 2007 You know, I didn't think I could like Scissors For Lefty any more than I already did. And then I saw their video for "Ghetto Ways." It's brilliant, in a mash-up, "J.R. Ewing" kind of way. j.s.



Monday, April 09, 2007 Hey there. It was an utterly dull and quiet weekend, the majority of which was spent at D's place watching bad movies and Red Sox games. And to be honest that suited me just fine. If only because spending a weekend over there is cheap. And to the weather? You, madam, have completely thrown me off my game. Because I had resigned myself to the depressing fact that winter was indeed over, and had already begun the painful process of steeling my nerves and sweat glands toward the insane amount of heat that is barrelling its way toward us with every incremental tilt of the Earth's axis. And then you threw in a cold front. In April. In Houston. The result of which has made me unable to warm myself to a cozy 98.6 degrees, and caused me to spend the past 48 hours swathed in various sweatshirts, knit caps and quilts, looking to all the world like a pale suburban sherpa. I actually slept in sweats last night, curled tightly under my down comforter, with the heater turned to "White Dwarf" setting...and was still a little chilly. Please feel free to go back to the temperate perfection that was last week's weather as soon as possible. Thanks. j.s.



Thursday, April 05, 2007 Okay, so the "About Me" thing is a little rough around the edges...but it's a work in progress. I'm still End-of-Monthing. j.s.



Is this an unbelievably glorious day or what? Weather doesn't get any more perfect than this. It's criminal that I should be stuck inside doing End-of-Monthiness right now... And words cannot express how confusing, yet strangely awesome, this video is. j.s.



Wednesday, April 04, 2007 I've been threatening this for almost a year now, and the time has almost arrived. The U.S. boat (BMW Oracle) beat the piss out of everyone yesterday in the first race of the final act, including the defending Swiss team. Today it looks like they ran into some issues however, and ended up placing 4th and 7th in the two races...snapping their spinnaker pole in the process. So we're now two points back from the goddamn Kiwis for the top challenger position. grumble grumble I'll tell you this though...from what I've seen in the weather reports? Valencia is a perfectly sucktastic place to hold an America's Cup. There have been drastic shifts in wind direction, speed and localization. So much so that the racing committee has actually had to move the windward mark around due to boats getting caught in irons. (Difficult to do with IACC boats, as they're capable of sailing ridiculously close-hauled.) It looked like they were sailing on Lake Winnipefuckingsaukee... Mediterranean sailing. Hmmph. I'll have you know that the wind in Newport, RI has been a steady 15-20 knots. And will be so for the rest of the week...if not the rest of the spring. But I digress. Anyway, there are 2 more races are on the docket for tomorrow, weather permitting. The first at 7am, and the second at roughly 11ish. (U.S. - CST.) So please, consider this to be your official call to arms. Drop in on AmericasCup.com every so often and keep up with what our boys in Valencia are up to. After all, this only happens once every four years. And, unlike other world sports I might mention (whose tournament ended not too long ago), it just so happens that we utterly dominated the entire globe in sailing for over 130 years before Dennis Connor spit lost The Cup to the Aussies in '83. A record which also happens to be the longest winning streak in the history of any competition in the entire known universe. Unfortunately, The Cup hasn't been back to the U.S. since. But it's still OURS goddamnit. And I thought maybe, just maybe, you'd be interested in seeing her get back home this year. At the very least you'll know what the hell I'm talking about when I see you out at the bar... Though it's a slightly buggy program, the highlights from the races can be WATCHED HERE (Click the "On Demand" tab.) j.s.



Monday, April 02, 2007 [[Faithfully recopied from my notebook this past weekend]] Christ. So this is what it's come down to. A cylindrical, ink-spewing, aluminum contraption scratching and jittering its way across dried wood pulp. I feel like a junkie denied his fix, scraping the pipe bowl for blog resin. This will never do. But I'd become an extraordinarily strange person (well, stranger), if I couldn't get this stuff out of my head as I thought it, so here I am. Scrape, scrape. Puff, puff. So I'm hanging around the Last Concert Cafe, drinking a Lone Star while I await the arrival of my editors for a meeting on our May/June issues. And for the past 10 minutes I've also been fending off the advances of an elderly gay man who has asked me twice if I'd "kiss his monkey ass." (This would normally be quite funny, however he's pointing to a small tattoo of a monkey on his neck and grinning lecherously as he's saying it.) It also seems he doesn't understand that writing takes up a large percentage of one's frontal lobe, leaving the author unable to concentrate on much else. I say this because he's still talking to me, as I'm writing these very words, under the assumption that I'm actually listening. Hmm... Which is odd. If you take me ignoring this guy, and instead "talking" to you via my notebook. Then couple that with my intent to post these words to my site at some future date. Which will then be read by you at an even later date... (But will be "right now" to you.) And it adds up to being an odd little paradox of communication happening right now. Oop! Magazine staff have arrived. Talk to you later. j.s.